ruins

It’s been awhile. I don’t have much good to say lately, but I have a sad story. I can’t tell you the story because it makes me sad. That counts for something right? People say that hardships come and go, that life goes on. I do believe them. I really do. But the hard part is, they just keep coming at me. Right when I think it’s finally over, with every door I open, someone stabs me in the back.

While I don’t want to tell you the story, it’s far too sad, I would like to cover the premise of it to hopefully save some of you the pain. I’ve met a lot of harsh people. I’ve shed many tears, but they’re trivial compared to my most recent ones. But what I didn’t know was, it isn’t just the harsh people that create them. It can be the ones who love(d) you the most, or so you thought.

Love is tricky, but in my mind there was something so constant about it. In my mind, I knew that I could never hurt someone I sincerely loved. I knew I could never intentionally tear their heart into millions of little pieces. I could never sit in another room and leave them sobbing, hovering over the floor. I just couldn’t. My heart was too big for that. My heart was so big that I believed the ones’ I loved had to have a bigger one than my own. That’s the only reason I could be attracted to them, right?

Wrong. The thing about big hearts is their filled with expectations. You don’t just want people to be the best version of themselves, you KNOW they will. And when they let you down, you refuse to believe that just maybe that person isn’t who you thought they were. It’s disappointing. The amount of times my heart has shattered for those who did nothing to save themselves are too many to count. It’s hard to have a big heart, but I never found a good enough reason to abandon it.

That was until now. One’s heart can only be so big, so innocent, so loving, so courageous for so long. One can only take so much of the world coming down on them. There’s only so many cracks to be made until the bowl shatters. It’s horrible. It’s horrible that this damage is allowed to be inflicted upon someone.

So the premise of my story is this: if you love someone, don’t hurt them. Don’t put them in harms way, guard them. Save them. Be there for them. Be the best version of you when you’re in love, because if you aren’t, it isn’t the right love. Or maybe you just took advantage of what you didn’t know you had.

Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t steal. By don’t steal,  I don’t meaning belongings. I mean the innermost, beautiful qualities in a person. Don’t tarnish those. You can ruin yourself, but don’t take down others with you. Don’t steal the things that make a person whole. Don’t dip into them and take the things that made you love them in the first place. That big heart you fell in love with? Don’t ever think of forgetting it. Because once you do, everything is ruined.

The things I had spent so long building. My reputation, my character, my heart. They were so strong for so long. People who don’t love you doing things to hurt you, normal. The ones who love you most? Not. Once this occurs, everything you once knew isn’t a fact anymore. Everything you once trusted becomes a lie. People become blurs of to you. Your heart becomes an angered time bomb just waiting for someone to click the button. Anxiously, I wait for someone to click me once more; to tell me one more thing that’s wrong with me and my life.

Love was a 4 letter word. Love is what I wrote about for years. Love was my idea of a life. Love was my world. Love was what I felt for myself. Love is what I felt for others. Once someone abuses that word, what does it become now?

Nothing.

So, for God’s sake, and someone else’s, don’t use it lightly. Don’t abuse it. The pain feels like forever. Some day it won’t, but as of now, it dwells. It reoccurs in my head every morning and every time I try to fall asleep. It ruined my head. It ruined my heart. It ruined my love for people. It ruined my security. It ruined my confidence. It ruined me.

Don’t ruin anyone. It’s no one’s job but your own.

#depression #relationships #love #life #sadness